Demons

I fight demons.

I have spent a lifetime acting like I'm "well-adjusted", but I'm not.  On the inside, I feel a mess.

I feel like I have disappointed everyone in my life.  I feel like I'm a disappointment to my parents and to my brother and sister.  I am neither the son nor brother they probably deserve.  What they may not know, is that this demon, this belief I'm a disappointment to them, keeps me from spending more time with them.  When I see them, I see them seeing me.  Most of the time I can't bear it.  I feel like such a failure.

In my brain, I know I'm probably wrong.  My parents and siblings have told me NUMEROUS times how much they love me, need me, respect me and are proud of me.   I don't know why I see what I see. I don't know why I feel so small.

But I do.

Most days I feel like a failure as a teacher.  I have good moments; a funny line or an understandable explanation, but most days I feel like I could have done more.   Way more.  I think I try to compensate for my demon by tutoring some kids outside of school.  It isn't enough.  I just feel like a fraud or an impostor doing what a "real" teacher should be doing.

I've won numerous awards for my teaching.  3 times Teacher of the Year, 3 times voted by students to read names at graduation, 2 times as an NHS Honored Educator.... It isn't enough.  It isn't even close to enough.   I feel I'm laughed at behind my back.  A fool, a laughingstock, a mockery.

My demons are ruining me one day at a time.  I've cultivated a life of solitude outside of my work where I don't have to see myself through someone else's eyes.  I've pushed away everyone who ever loved me.  I'm alone and most days, I'm scared.